This was totally applicable to me today. Different groups are .. different, that is for sure. I mentioned masking in a long Covid support group today, and got strong pushback. It's a taboo thing in that group. It was my first visit there, and I didn't want to be an intrusive or conflict-genersting person right off the bat, and wanted to learn more about the group. I just was surprised that they were so aware of the risks of Covid infection, but they, as a group, had decided to "live their lives"-- which to them means going out unprotected and exposing themselves continually to COVID-19. I tried softly asking questions, like aren't they afraid of the reinfection risks, and more infections making things worse, and will covid-19 happen forever if we don't come together and do something to stop it? Then I got pushback as they aren't trying to organize anything. And I wasn't trying to organize anything! Just wanted some masking solidarity. But not finding it there! None are Maskers. And I realized that is a huge deal for me. Honestly, I find complaining (whether about my illness or hearing about others) very boring if we don't have solutions for this pain, if we don't use the pain to fight for healing, and brainstorm ways to stop it from happening again. If we don't search for ways to change things, then we are are just wasting time and prolonging suffering. The longer I stayed in the meeting, the more I realized their hope is through supplements and diet, and things they consider preventatives that I personally haven't seen any research on. I'm sure if they had things that stopped COVID infection besides masks, we would all be doing it and know about it. But, I am interested in looking into everything, I can learn more about stuff through research. But, regardless, we KNOW so much about masking! And it's taboo there. When it is the thing that actually has so many studies behind it. Whhyy? Why are people pulling toward risk in this climate?
I must have a very sneaky mind because my takeaway is that the wheels pull toward compassion and away from peer conflict so the group will rally around whoever describes being harmed by outsiders. And so if you want to steer the wheels back on track it would seem your best bet if someone is trolling or asking for absolution is to change the subject to or make a new post about being harmed by someone outside the group in like manner as the troll or deviating member is describing. If it's too direct a comparison or identifiable as a response to the deviating member it will be perceived as conflict and dismissed, but if it has the feel of a brand-new topic it can pull the group back on target and leave the deviation a sidelined topic without leaving a mark of divide.
The problem is in most of the situations I've heard about the wanting absolution is unspoken, and implied by enforced authority using DARVO attack. One example I heard about is an online group of mothers where some started sharing about how they weren't using child safety seats with their toddlers. Once one shared, and others rushed to comfort them and say "it's ok" a couple others came forward saying the same. When one or two people spoke up and said that wasn't safe, not even chastising, just saying hey that's really not a good idea we need to model better - they were harshly attacked for being "unsupportive", and told they need to be supportive of child endangerment. They want absolution but it's not requested it's a darvo woke-washing demand that if you don't supportively go along with illegal child endangerment, you're the bad guy. This is just one example, I've heard dozens of examples that are just variations on this theme. Just replace child endangerment with stuff like: exposing other people to covid without telling them, making plans to go somewhere that excludes the wheelchair user, discriminatory jokes in a group chat, cluttering an FB group with product vendor marketing, people agree to mask in advance and then abandon it at the time of the gathering.
I think direct honest communication is much preferable than manipulation. If you're stuck in a group where you always have to manipulate to make sure that people aren't endangering you and others, that's gonna be a drag in the long run, and at that point you have to decide if what you're getting from the group is really worth your health & safety and your mental peace.
This was totally applicable to me today. Different groups are .. different, that is for sure. I mentioned masking in a long Covid support group today, and got strong pushback. It's a taboo thing in that group. It was my first visit there, and I didn't want to be an intrusive or conflict-genersting person right off the bat, and wanted to learn more about the group. I just was surprised that they were so aware of the risks of Covid infection, but they, as a group, had decided to "live their lives"-- which to them means going out unprotected and exposing themselves continually to COVID-19. I tried softly asking questions, like aren't they afraid of the reinfection risks, and more infections making things worse, and will covid-19 happen forever if we don't come together and do something to stop it? Then I got pushback as they aren't trying to organize anything. And I wasn't trying to organize anything! Just wanted some masking solidarity. But not finding it there! None are Maskers. And I realized that is a huge deal for me. Honestly, I find complaining (whether about my illness or hearing about others) very boring if we don't have solutions for this pain, if we don't use the pain to fight for healing, and brainstorm ways to stop it from happening again. If we don't search for ways to change things, then we are are just wasting time and prolonging suffering. The longer I stayed in the meeting, the more I realized their hope is through supplements and diet, and things they consider preventatives that I personally haven't seen any research on. I'm sure if they had things that stopped COVID infection besides masks, we would all be doing it and know about it. But, I am interested in looking into everything, I can learn more about stuff through research. But, regardless, we KNOW so much about masking! And it's taboo there. When it is the thing that actually has so many studies behind it. Whhyy? Why are people pulling toward risk in this climate?
We need the head explode emoji reaction here. And generally, I need a pulling blanket over head emoji.
I must have a very sneaky mind because my takeaway is that the wheels pull toward compassion and away from peer conflict so the group will rally around whoever describes being harmed by outsiders. And so if you want to steer the wheels back on track it would seem your best bet if someone is trolling or asking for absolution is to change the subject to or make a new post about being harmed by someone outside the group in like manner as the troll or deviating member is describing. If it's too direct a comparison or identifiable as a response to the deviating member it will be perceived as conflict and dismissed, but if it has the feel of a brand-new topic it can pull the group back on target and leave the deviation a sidelined topic without leaving a mark of divide.
The problem is in most of the situations I've heard about the wanting absolution is unspoken, and implied by enforced authority using DARVO attack. One example I heard about is an online group of mothers where some started sharing about how they weren't using child safety seats with their toddlers. Once one shared, and others rushed to comfort them and say "it's ok" a couple others came forward saying the same. When one or two people spoke up and said that wasn't safe, not even chastising, just saying hey that's really not a good idea we need to model better - they were harshly attacked for being "unsupportive", and told they need to be supportive of child endangerment. They want absolution but it's not requested it's a darvo woke-washing demand that if you don't supportively go along with illegal child endangerment, you're the bad guy. This is just one example, I've heard dozens of examples that are just variations on this theme. Just replace child endangerment with stuff like: exposing other people to covid without telling them, making plans to go somewhere that excludes the wheelchair user, discriminatory jokes in a group chat, cluttering an FB group with product vendor marketing, people agree to mask in advance and then abandon it at the time of the gathering.
I think direct honest communication is much preferable than manipulation. If you're stuck in a group where you always have to manipulate to make sure that people aren't endangering you and others, that's gonna be a drag in the long run, and at that point you have to decide if what you're getting from the group is really worth your health & safety and your mental peace.